You know the events of 2017 created a LOT of physical and emotional change and some of it was NOT easy to accept. I spent my life, 42 years of it hiding in my work. It was the only place I could go where the self condemnation and the voices got quieter. The only place where I felt I had value in this life, or so I thought. Self condemnation is a powerful thing, it makes you think you have no value, you cannot come back from your failures. It destroys a Christian’s testimony and make you what I’ve called ‘a useless Christian’, that is what I was. My behavior, my poor choices destroyed a life, destroyed my family and left me alone, starting over in my 40s, all I knew to do was work. Then 2017 happened and what a wonderful blessing it was but along with the good there were and are physical changes which were part of it that will never change.
All of this came to a head recently, I suppose I was avoiding accepting these changes totally but I had to. I have always been in demand in my work. I get on average an offer a week from all over the world. Want to work in Thailand? want to work in Africa? want to work in China? want to work in Panama? etc….etc…etc..and I had been saying and responding all along, not yet maybe later. Recently I got an offer to return to Alaska, a place I loved to work and an offer almost too hard to believe, and my first impulse was to take it. But then reality kicked in. The conclusion was I am not able to stand the brutal travel and huge distances, the severe weather not to mention the 18hr days anymore.
What brought it all to a head was a book, one of many left behind by my mother called We Would See Jesus, a book about having a deeper relationship with God. One paragraph burned into my heart. It says, ” we must be able to be honest about ourselves with ourselves to move into a deeper understanding of Jesus ” Somehow I needed that and for the first time I spoke words I never thought I would to others but much more importantly to myself. ” I cannot do this anymore, I am not physically able to do it, I am done with that part of my life ” It sounds sad or something but it was really like removing a weight id carried for over three years. Damn I’m stupid sometimes. God will always make a way, he already has, we have our farm, we have cattle and food to eat every day, all we need happens and always will.